The Mentor

Picture copyright issuesphoto withheld on legal advice (The Manager)

Comments (3)

S
Sal owns the place with the corner booth 1 week ago
He was in that booth before I bought the restaurant. Came with the lease.
RM
Rita M. his accountant 1 month ago
Please stop listing “the video” as a dependent.
W
Walt neighbor of the Manager 5 months ago
You seem like a man people listen to. Please tell the Manager I would like my ladder back.
- TM
  The Mentor band 5 months ago
  It needs something. Probably a ladder.

Others in this world

His first hire is at the door →The wall above the booth →

The Corner Booth

Records on the wall. A table worn smooth. A man who has already heard your demo, and has notes.

The corner booth

That record on the wall still plays.

← The MentorThe Hits He Made First Hire What Would The Mentor Do?It’s the Hair

Hear what he hums →The voice he found →

The Hits He Made

Quincy had Thriller. The Mentor has a vision and a bar tab. Every hit starts the same way: The Mentor hums it, the band argues, The Mentor is right.

← The MentorThe Corner Booth First Hire What Would The Mentor Do?It’s the Hair

← The MentorThe Corner Booth The Hits He Made What Would The Mentor Do?It’s the Hair

First Hire

Before a singer. Before a song. The Mentor hired security. He’s seen Get Shorty more times than he’ll admit. He runs the band like a movie he’s producing.

“Crowd control comes before the music.”

Meet hire no. 1 →

The Manager asks him daily →The Drummer never asks →

What Would The Mentor Do?

Order another round.
Put on a record.
“Louder. Now again, but meaner.”

← The MentorThe Corner Booth The Hits He Made First Hire It’s the Hair

But it needs something →The hair in question →Security knows a hair guy →The hair has opinions →

It’s the Hair

His theory, delivered from the corner booth: a band is all about the hair. Songs come and go. Hair is forever.

The Singer. Silver, full, undefeated. The reason he was signed.
The Bassist. Promising. Grandma cuts it.
Security. Slicked back. Respectful.
The Manager. Regulation.
The Drummer. Picture copyright issues.
The Mentor. Not ranked. The judge doesn’t compete.

← The MentorThe Corner Booth The Hits He Made First Hire What Would The Mentor Do?

Home / The Mentor / It’s the Hair

The Video

The sound is good. The hair is excellent. But it needs something. The Mentor knows exactly what: the video. The one that breaks them wide open. It just needs to get funded.

Treatment · Confidential · Draft 41

Working title: “Never Go Full Minor” (The Video)
Concept: Slow motion (the drummer insists). Wind machine. The hair does the rest.
Locations: Tokyo, Taipei, Málaga, the van, Grandma’s living room
Cast: The band, as themselves. Grandma, as Grandma. Security, in a role he can’t talk about.
Director: The Mentor. Obviously.

Budget

Chai (Dunkin’, for the singer)$40
Wind machine$300
Grandma’s cookies (catering)$0, donated
The vanNot reimbursable
Hair & makeup$48,000

Status: In development since 1994. Funding: any day now.

“It would be The Break.”

No money changes hands. The Mentor would like that to change.

The Manager wants it shot like an operation (citing 1993) →Why the hair line is so big →Producers wanted →

← The MentorThe Corner Booth The Hits He Made First Hire What Would The Mentor Do?It’s the Hair

VIP Only

Security / Crowd Control

Security

Keeping a perimeter around the band.

Nobody gets in. Nobody gets out.

Dress codeSuit. Always.
Hired byThe Mentor. First hire. Get Shorty rules.
ContactsKnows a guy. The rolodex →
RésuméLooks like he worked for the mob. He did.

Doors

The ListopenedThe VIP RopeopenedGrandma ClearanceopenedThe FamilyopenedThe Claimsopened

Picture copyright issuesphoto withheld on legal advice (The Manager)

Comments (5)

DF
Doug F. bought the singer’s moped 3 months ago
Do you see him a lot? I still have the helmet. Does he want the helmet?
- S
  Security band 3 months ago
  Can’t talk about the helmet.
P
Pam lives in his building 2022
I love how he always has candy in his pocket. Gave my son a butterscotch and told him to stay safe out there.
P
Pam lives in his building 6 days ago
He switched to peppermints. Nobody was told. I have questions.
- S
  Security band 6 days ago
  Can’t talk about it.
RD
Ricky D. grade school 1 month ago
He was hall monitor for six years straight. Nobody ever got a pass.
MA
Mrs. Alvarez 3rd grade teacher (not his) 2 months ago
Was he ever in my class? Send me a sample of his handwriting and I’ll know.

Others in this world

← SecurityThe VIP Rope Grandma Clearance The Family The Claims

The List

One clipboard. One pen. One name on it.

Checking for: you

Whose name is on it →

The VIP Lounge (famous people only) →Where the rope goes next →Why the rope came first →

The VIP Rope

Red carpets, frat houses, Grandma’s living room. Same rope. Same rules. Nobody touches the Rhodes.

Backstage →

Names on The List only.

← SecurityThe List Grandma Clearance The Family The Claims

Grandma →Her grandson, on bass →

Grandma Clearance

In the history of the band, exactly one person has cleared the list on the first try.

← SecurityThe List The VIP Rope The Family The Claims

The mensch who hired him →Why he was hire no. 1 →He still knows a guy →

The Family

He looks like he worked for the mob. He actually did. The Mentor, a real mensch, hired him anyway. He wanted to keep it in the family. Queens taught him that.

“It’s about f^$*ing respect.”

← SecurityThe List The VIP Rope Grandma Clearance The Claims

The guys he can talk about →The Manager has a 1993 story too →The drummer who counts to four →

The Claims

He loves a bold claim. He just can’t talk about any of them.

Claims · as told to the band

Was at the ’86 thing. Can’t talk about it.
Taught a famous drummer to count to four. Can’t say who. (No relation.)
Did a favor for a guy you’ve heard of. That’s all I can say.
Once stood next to █████████ for six hours. Never said a word. Still hasn’t.
Knows where the ██████ is buried. It’s a time capsule. Probably.
Drove the getaway car for a ███████. It was a bachelor party. Can’t talk about it.

Follow-up questions: not taken.

← SecurityThe List The VIP Rope Grandma Clearance The Family

Home / Security / The Family

Knows a Guy

Retired from the family business. Kept the rolodex. He knows a guy. For everything.

A guy for vansAlready called him. The singer said no.

A guy for chaiOpens the Dunkin’ early. For the singer. Only the singer.

A guy for hairThe Mentor’s barber. Booked through 2031.

A guy for drumsNo relation.

A guy who knows a guyNobody’s met him. That’s the point.

The chai situation →Why the hair guy matters →Where he learned it →“Handled. —S” →

← SecurityThe List The VIP Rope Grandma Clearance The Family The Claims

Owns the Van

Lead Vocals / Lead Guitar

The Singer

Not just the front man. He owns the gear. And the van.

Silver hair, teal hollow-body, Sunday wail to Saturday growl.

Height6′0″ (in boots)
OwnsThe gear. The van. The tiebreaker.
HairGreat. Ask The Mentor. The ranking →

Doors

The VanopenedThe GearopenedBand DemocracyopenedThe Rideropened

Picture copyright issuesphoto withheld on legal advice (The Manager)

Comments (7)

DF
Doug F. bought his moped 2015
He sold me his moped.
DF
Doug F. bought his moped 2016
★★★★★ Seller reviewItem: Moped, used, red · Seller: The Singer · Verified purchase“Certified seller. Would buy a moped from again.”3 people found this helpful
DF
Doug F. bought his moped 2018
Still runs.
- TS
  The Singer band 2018
  Of course it does. It was mine.
DR
Denise R. neighbor, two doors down 2 years ago
The van is parked eleven inches from my curb. Eleven. I measured.
- TS
  The Singer band 2 years ago
  It’s parked with confidence.
DR
Denise R. neighbor, two doors down 3 weeks ago
Fourteen inches now. Going the wrong direction. Lovely hair, though.
DF
Dr. Feld his dentist 2 months ago
Great flosser. Please stop bringing chai into your cleaning.
P
Pam lives in Security’s building 1 month ago
Does this one carry candy in his pocket too? Asking because of the other one.
- TS
  The Singer band 1 month ago
  No. I carry the van keys.

Others in this world

Open the glovebox →Where the van goes next →Who rides in back with the kit →Who rides shotgun →The van’s logbook →

The Van

He bought the van before the band had a name. Still has the receipt. It’s in the glovebox.

Vehicle Registration

Owner: The Singer
Seats: 3, plus the Rhodes
Mileage: All of it
Cargo: The Drummer’s kit, in back
Shotgun: Security. No discussion.

← The SingerThe Gear Band Democracy The Rider

The teal hollow-body →How arguments really end →The van →

The Gear

Inventory, as of tonight. Every item tagged.

Teal hollow-bodyProperty of the singer
The ampProperty of the singer
Every cableProperty of the singer
The PAProperty of the singer
The RhodesProperty of the singer. Nobody touches it.
The vanSee: The Van

Every band argument ends the same way.

← The SingerThe Van Band Democracy The Rider

The boss (no suit, no van) →The bassist’s campaign (he’s Thundercat, he says) →Whose amp it is →The deciding vehicle →

Band Democracy

Everyone gets a vote. The bassist votes for himself, every time, on every question. Then the van owner breaks the tie. The Manager is the boss. He just doesn’t own the van.

One member, one vote. One van, one owner.

← The SingerThe Van The Gear The Rider

Item 3: see attached →Security knows a chai guy →The supply line →

The Rider

Before he goes on, these terms are non-negotiable.

One chai, from Dunkin’. Not from anywhere else. He can tell.
The crowd must outnumber the band. (Aspirational.)
He will not share a stage with prima donnas. See attached.

← The SingerThe Van The Gear Band Democracy

Home / The Singer / The Gear

The Teal Guitar

Teal hollow-body, slung low, played loud. Tagged: property of the singer. Bought with van money, or the van was bought with guitar money. Nobody remembers. He does.

The teal hollow-body guitar

The Mentor heard it first →What it sounds like →Back to the inventory →

← The SingerThe Van The Gear Band Democracy The Rider

Home / The Singer / The Rider

The Prima Donnas

He complains nonstop that everyone else in the band is a prima donna, starting with the bassist. He refuses to share a stage with them. He shares it every night anyway, under protest.

“Every one of them is a f^$%ing prima donna.”

He owns the van that brings the stage. He considers that the same thing.

Prima donna no. 1 →Who breaks the tie →Read the meeting minutes →The Mentor’s ruling: it’s the hair →Rule 3, according to The Manager →

← The SingerThe Van The Gear Band Democracy The Rider

Home / The Singer / The Van

The Glovebox

Contents, in order of importance:

The setlist. One song crossed out, then un-crossed out.
An unpaid parking ticket from Málaga. He calls it a tour souvenir.
Grandma’s cookies. Do not touch the cookies.
The receipt for the van.

Something jingles under the cookies.

Look under the cookies →The Málaga date →Whose cookies those are →

← The SingerThe Van The Gear Band Democracy The Rider

Home / The Singer / The Van / The Glovebox

The Keys

The van keys. A guitar-pick keychain. A tiny Rhodes key that opens nothing. This is the real band constitution.

Go ahead. Take them.

Put them back in the van →What the keys really mean →Security saw that →

← The SingerThe Van The Gear Band Democracy The Rider

Gold-ish

Management / Muscle

The Manager

Never wears a suit. That’s why he’s the boss.

Bookings, contracts, and anyone who looks at the singer funny.

BicepsUnder review
Negotiating styleFlexing
Dress codeNever a suit. Suits are for Security.
Frame of referenceMilitary. For everything.
Claim to fameManaged the keyboardist on Sheryl Crow’s 1993 tour. His “tour of duty.” He’ll bring it up.

Doors

The TextopenedThe MedalopenedThe ContractsopenedMission Briefingopened

Picture copyright issuesphoto withheld on legal advice (The Manager)

Comments (5)

TS
Tina S. grade school 3 years ago
I remember he threw up on the 4th grade field trip. Bus to the aquarium. That’s my whole memory of him.
- BL
  Brian L. 3 years ago
  It was the science museum, not the aquarium. And it was on the way back. I was in the seat in front.
- TM
  The Manager band 3 years ago
  Negative. The bus took an unauthorized turn. I was the only one who reported it.
W
Walt next-door neighbor 2019
Lent you my ladder for “one afternoon.” Hope the gutters went well.
- TM
  The Manager band 2019
  Ladder is on assignment.
W
Walt next-door neighbor 2023
Still on assignment?
CD
Coach Dave league night 2 weeks ago
Best captain we’ve ever had. Does a pre-game briefing. For bowling.
B
Barb works with him 3 months ago
Asked him about 1993 once. Cleared my whole afternoon.
- TM
  The Manager band 3 months ago
  You’re welcome.

Others in this world

← The ManagerThe Medal The Contracts Mission Briefing

The Text

3:36 PM. One message. Everything changed.

I think the steroids are working already.The Manager · 3:36 PM

The evidence →

Buy the tank he’s wearing →

The Medal

Started training the day he took the job. Medaled within a week. Event undisclosed.

The Manager in the CR tank wearing his medal

← The ManagerThe Text The Contracts Mission Briefing

The withheld photo →Whose van it is →

The Contracts

Negotiating style: flexing, then a story about 1993. The Drummer’s photo? Withheld on The Manager’s legal advice. The van? Not his.

← The ManagerThe Text The Medal Mission Briefing

The theater of operations →The rules →The chai situation →1993, on tape →

Mission Briefing

0600. The Manager briefs the band on the tour like it’s a beach landing. Nobody asked for a beach landing. He opens, as always, with 1993.

Operation: Don’t Let the Bells End

Objective: Six stops. One sleigh.
Transport: The van. Not his.
Supply line: One chai, Dunkin’, 0600 sharp
Perimeter: Security. Nobody in, nobody out.
Experience: Sheryl Crow, 1993. Keyboards. His tour of duty.
Side mission: The Mentor’s video. He wants it shot like a night op.
Morale: Hair: excellent. Attitudes: under review.

“This is not a war. This is a soundcheck. You treat it like a war anyway.”

← The ManagerThe Text The Medal The Contracts

Home / The Manager / Mission Briefing

The Rules

Posted on the van door. The van is not his. He posted them anyway.

Nobody touches the Rhodes. He knows keyboards. He did a tour of duty in 1993.
Soundcheck is 1500. Fifteen hundred is not “around three.”
Nobody steps over the line on the setlist. The line has never been explained.
Thursdays are league night. Do not book Thursdays.
The boss does not wear a suit. This is the most important rule.

Rules are what separate us from the opening act.

The boss →Who enforces them →Who breaks them, according to the singer →

← The ManagerThe Text The Medal The Contracts Mission Briefing

Grandma’s Fave

Bass / Backup Vocals

The Bassist

Every note, for the fan.

The youngest member. The low end. Grandma’s favorite. A fan of our fans.

StringsFour. Fat ones.
RehearsalGrandma’s living room
Fan ofOur fans
RoleBackup vocals. Self-identified as: Thundercat. Everyone else: his backing band.

Doors

GrandmaopenedCurfewopenedBackup VocalsopenedFan of Our FansopenedLead Bassopened

Picture copyright issuesphoto withheld on legal advice (The Manager)

Comments (5)

DF
Doug F. bought the singer’s moped 2022
The horn stopped working. Is that something he’d know about? You seem close.
MA
Mrs. Alvarez his 3rd grade teacher 4 years ago
I still remember his handwriting. Every letter leaned left, like it was trying to hear something.
- TB
  The Bassist band 4 years ago
  Thank you so much for the comment!! You’re the fan.
MA
Mrs. Alvarez his 3rd grade teacher 5 days ago
Found his spelling test in a box. The lowercase g’s! I framed it.
K
Kev roommate, sophomore year 2 months ago
Still have your casserole dish. It’s been six years. Is that a band thing?
- TB
  The Bassist band 2 months ago
  Keep the dish. You’re the fan.
DR
Denise R. neighbor of his friend 1 week ago
Your friend parked across my driveway again. Not you. You’re lovely.

Others in this world

The list she’s on →Christmas Eve at Grandma’s →How they met (ask around) →

Grandma

First fan. Biggest fan. Head of the fan club. The only name on Security’s list. Hosts the Christmas Eve finale.

Grandma and the bassist

← The BassistCurfew Backup Vocals Fan of Our Fans Lead Bass

The tour →The Manager signs the permission slip →

Curfew

Negotiable on tour. The Kappa Sig show ends at ten for him. Allegedly.

← The BassistGrandma Backup Vocals Fan of Our Fans Lead Bass

The call and response →The lead he’s louder than →

Backup Vocals

He sings every “response” in the call-and-response. Louder than the lead, honestly.

← The BassistGrandma Curfew Fan of Our Fans Lead Bass

The dedication he wrote →Page one →Who gets in →

Fan of Our Fans

He’s a fan of our fans. He keeps a scrapbook, just in case.

Page 1: Grandma ♥

Page 2: (saving it for you)

Page 3:

Pages 4–200:

Autographs collected: 1. It says “Love, Grandma.”

← The BassistGrandma Curfew Backup Vocals Lead Bass

The singer names him first →He votes for himself. Eleven times. →His official job →

Lead Bass

He plays bass. He sings backup. In his head he’s Thundercat, and everyone else is his backing band. He steps on the singer’s lines, then apologizes, then does it again in the next chorus.

Tonight’s setlist · feat. Chemical Retardant

Can I Get a Witness~~The Singer~~ ME
Corner Booth Blues~~The Singer~~ ME
Whose Amp Is It?~~The Singer~~ ME (and harmony)
No Relation~~The Singer~~ ME
Don’t Let the Bells End~~The Singer~~ ME!!

Penciled over every song. In pen. Band billing amended to “feat. Chemical Retardant.”

Somewhere in every song the bassline turns into the melody again. He calls it a counter-melody. The singer calls it something else.

← The BassistGrandma Curfew Backup Vocals Fan of Our Fans

Picture copyright issuesphoto withheld on legal advice (The Manager)

No Relation

The Drummer · Drums / Percussion / Volume

Oliver Van Halen

No relation to Valerie.

He walked in and said it before anyone asked: no relation.

Relation to anyone famousNo relation to Valerie.
CowbellYes, more

Doors

No RelationopenedPicture Copyright IssuesopenedThe KitopenedThe Tempoopened

The Bassist Band Meeting The Sound The Tour

Comments (4)

PK
Paula K. grade school 4 days ago
Is this the same Oliver from Mrs. Patterson’s class? You still owe me a scented marker.
G
Greg coworker, accounts payable 3 years ago
Turkey on rye, no mustard. Every single day. Orders it slower than anyone I’ve ever seen.
- TD
  The Drummer band 3 years ago
  Laid back.
G
Greg coworker, accounts payable 2 weeks ago
Update: still turkey on rye. Today it took four full minutes to say it. A personal best.
W
Walt neighbor of the Manager 1 year ago
Do you know the Manager? Ask him about my ladder.

Others in this world

← The DrummerPicture Copyright Issues The Kit The Tempo

No Relation

Every night someone asks. Every night the answer is the same.

No relation to Valerie.

Then why no photo? →

The Manager’s legal advice →

Picture Copyright Issues

Photo withheld on legal advice (The Manager). Clicking harder won’t help.

Picture copyright issuesphoto withheld on legal advice (The Manager)

← The DrummerNo Relation The Kit The Tempo

The groove →What would The Mentor do →

The Kit

Sticks broken: all of them. Every fill played twice, just to be sure it happened. Keeps the gospel in the backbeat.

The kit. Legally.

← The DrummerNo Relation Picture Copyright Issues The Tempo

Who keeps taking the melody →Who keeps rushing the buildup →He wants the video in slow motion too →He moved to slow the meeting down →The lost demo →

The Tempo

He keeps dragging the tempo, a little more every night, so every fill gets room to breathe. It’s the reverse of a famous arrangement: Sting wrote the songs and Stewart Copeland pushed the beat. Here the drummer secretly writes the songs, knows exactly how they should feel, and cannot stand how the other two rush the buildup.

Tempo log · kept by the drummer

Song	Written	Played	Drummer’s note
Can I Get a Witness	112	96	Better.
Corner Booth Blues	88	71	Fill bar 16: room to breathe.
Whose Amp Is It?	140	118	Singer rushed the build. Again.
Don’t Let the Bells End	126	104	Bassist took the melody. Again.
No Relation	100	63	Perfect.

Words & music: O. Van Halen (no relation). Nobody reads the credits.

THE BUILDUP IS THE SONG

← The DrummerNo Relation Picture Copyright Issues The Kit

Home / Band Meeting

Band Meeting

Five people. Each one is the star. They agree on nothing, blame each other for everything, and show up together every single night.

Minutes · emergency band meeting

Location: The van (parked). Called to order: 7:02 PM, by whoever had the keys. Present: Everyone, unfortunately.
Agenda: 1. The setlist.

7:02Item 1: the setlist. The Manager opens with “In 1993—”. Objection from the floor. Objection from the van roof.
7:04The bassist moves that the set open with a bass solo. Seconded by the bassist.
7:06Counter-motion from the singer: the set opens with the singer. Also the middle. Also the end.
7:09The drummer moves to slow it down. Clarifies he means the meeting too.
7:11The Mentor asks how any of this funds the video. Hat passed. Collected: one gum wrapper, one guitar pick (bassist’s, wants it back).
7:15Security is asked where he was Tuesday. Security can’t talk about it. Security is asked where he was Wednesday. Same answer, firmer.
7:18The Manager cites 1993 again. Nobody objects. It’s faster.
7:22Vote on the setlist. Five ballots, five different setlists. The bassist’s ballot lists the bassist eleven times.
7:25The singer threatens to take the van. Reminded the meeting is in the van. Takes the van anyway, with everyone in it.
7:31New motion: kick somebody out. Passes unanimously. Every member named a different person.
7:33Motion withdrawn. Security initiates a group hug. Attendance is mandatory.

Meeting adjourned. Nothing resolved. See you at soundcheck.

Minutes taken by the drummer, slowly. Disputed by everyone.

Every member kept his own notes on this meeting. None of them match. Read the notebooks →

Previously, on Chemical Retardant

Ep. 1The Band Gets a Chai SponsorOutcome: Paid entirely in chai. The singer drank the sponsorship before soundcheck.
Ep. 2The Drummer Rewrites the SetlistOutcome: Every song is now 63 BPM. The encore ended at sunrise.
Ep. 3The Bassist Goes SoloOutcome: Sold out to Grandma. He asked the band to back him up.
Ep. 4The Manager Runs a DrillOutcome: 5 a.m. emergency load-in. The van was locked. The singer had the keys.
Ep. 5The Mentor Funds the VideoOutcome: Raised enough for the wind machine. Not for the electricity.
Ep. 6Security Takes a Day OffOutcome: Came back. Wasn’t on The List. Stood outside his own show.
Ep. 7Everybody Fires EverybodyOutcome: Five firings. Nobody left. Rehearsal at seven.

Alliances updated daily

The Singer✕The BassistHis backup vocals got louder than the lead.
The Drummer+The ManagerTempo discipline. Joint statement pending.
The Mentor✕EveryoneNobody pledged.
Security·NeutralKnows something. Isn’t saying.

Inspired by a certain bar crew in Philadelphia. Nobody here owns a bar. The singer owns a van.

How votes really work →The Manager’s rules (ignored) →The drummer’s tempo log →The video, still unfunded →Their private notebooks →The Archive →

Home / Lyrics

The Lyrics

Words to the songs, with notes in the margins from everyone who thinks he wrote them.

Track 01 · out now

Almost Finished

0:00 / 3:28

Made with Suno · Listen on Suno

01Almost FinishedWords: everybody, apparently. Annotated.

02UntitledAlmost finished.

03Also UntitledAlmost finished. Drummer says slower.

More coming. Almost finished.

What it’s supposed to sound like →The lost demo →Their notebooks →

Home / Lyrics / Almost Finished

Almost Finished

Lyric sheet · annotated by the band, without permission from each other

Out now · the band reacts below

Almost Finished

0:00 / 3:28

Made with Suno · Listen on Suno

The Drummer: Still too fast.

The Bassist: The bass solo is the real song. Everything else is the intro.

The Singer: That’s my van on the cover. MY van. Side door open because I opened it.

The Manager: Mission accomplished. 1993 levels.

Security: Can’t talk about the folding chair.

The Mentor: Now we need the video.

Tap a line to read who scribbled on it. Notes read: 0/25

MY VAN.— the singer♩ = 63— the drummerfor the fan ♥— the bassist███ accurate.— Security

Almost Finished (final) (final final) (almost)

[Intro: spoken sample]

“Is this thing on? Okay. One, two… don’t rush it.”

[Verse 1]

Got the van, got the gear, got the keys in my hand

Got a chai going cold and a dream and a plan

Got a mentor on the phone saying “it’s all in the hair”

Got a manager saluting from a folding chair

[Pre-Chorus]

And the drummer’s leaning back like he wrote it all

(He did, he did, but don’t tell them at all)

[Chorus]

We’re almost finished, almost there

Every note for the fan, and the fan’s still there

Hold the line, hold the light, hold the tempo down

We’re almost finished, almost found

[Verse 2]

Bass player singing every line I write

Says he’s the lead and the star of the night

Security’s grinning by the stage door

He can’t say why, but he knows the score

[Pre-Chorus]

And the drummer’s slowing down to make it right

(Too slow, too slow, it’s a groove tonight)

[Chorus]

(repeat)

[Breakdown: half-time]

Slow it down… slow it down…

Let it breathe, let it breathe

Never go full minor

Never go full minor, baby

[Bass solo]

[Final Chorus]

(repeat, big, with choir and horns)

[Outro: spoken sample]

“That was perfect. Again, but slower.”

The crumpled first draft → The bassist’s “corrected” version →

The sound it’s going for →The tempo log →The demo →

Comments (9)

DR
Denise R. neighbor, two doors down just now
Finally heard it! On the cover the van is at least two feet from the curb. TWO FEET. I zoomed in.
- TS
  The Singer band just now
  It’s parked with artistic confidence.
DF
Doug F. bought his moped 1 hour ago
Finally heard it. The moped is not on the cover. Just noting that.
W
Walt the ladder today
Heard it all the way through. Zoomed in on the cover. That is not my ladder. Where is my ladder.
P
Pam lives in Security’s building today
Played it in the lobby. Security walked by and gave everyone a butterscotch.
DR
Denise R. neighbor, two doors down 2 days ago
Is this the song about the van? Because the van is eighteen inches from my curb today.
DF
Doug F. bought his moped 1 week ago
Haven’t heard it yet. Still have the moped. Horn still doesn’t work. Is the moped in the song? It should be in the song.
- TS
  The Singer band 1 week ago
  The moped was before the van. Different era.
P
Pam lives in Security’s building 3 weeks ago
Does Security sing on this one? He hums when he refills the candy.
- S
  Security band 3 weeks ago
  Can’t talk about the humming.
W
Walt the ladder 1 month ago
Read all the words. No mention of my ladder.
- TM
  The Manager band 1 month ago
  Ladder is classified.
MA
Mrs. Alvarez 3rd grade teacher 1 month ago
Lovely words. I’d love to see the handwritten copy. For the g’s.

Read the guestbook →

← Lyrics

Home / Lyrics / Almost Finished / First Draft

The First Draft

Found in the drummer’s kick drum. Crumpled. Coffee ring. At least four pens.

Working title: ~~Finished~~ ~~Basically Finished~~ Almost Finished

~~Got a van, got a dream, got a band in the back~~ too honest — S.

~~Got a mentor who says it’s the hair and the track~~ keep “hair,” lose “track” — M.

~~Every note for the fans~~ FAN. singular. — the bassist

~~Hold the tempo up~~ DOWN. — O.V.H.

~~Never go minor~~ FULL minor. Precision matters. — Mgmt.

[page torn here] can’t talk about it.

Also found in the kick drum: the demo →His ledger →

← Almost FinishedThe Bassist’s Version

Home / Lyrics / Almost Finished / The Bassist’s Version

The Bassist’s Version

“Corrected” and slipped into the singer’s binder

Almost Finished (Lead Bass Version)

Got the ~~van~~ BASS, got the gear, got the keys in my hand

Bass player singing every line ~~I write~~ HE writes (he = me)

~~Says he’s~~ IS the lead and the star of the night

Every note for the fan ♥ ♥ ♥

~~[Bass solo]~~ [CHORUS] (bass) (extended) (Grandma’s favorite part)

Corrections by the bassist. Approved by Grandma. Melody notes in the margin: ♫ ♫ ♫ (that’s the melody) (it’s the bass)

Lead bass →His journal →

← Almost FinishedFirst Draft

Home / Guestbook

The Guestbook

Signed by the people in our lives: neighbors, teachers, coworkers, the mechanic. They have known us for years. Each of them has one thing about us they cannot stop thinking about. None of it is the music. We love them for it.

DF
Doug F. the moped 2020
Quick question about the title. It’s still in his name. Is that okay?
- TS
  The Singer band 2020
  It’s fine. It was a front man’s moped.
P
Pam lives in Security’s building just now
Back again. Did anyone ever find out where he gets the butterscotch?
SO
Steve O. old friend 2 days ago
He helped me move a couch in 2014. Great guy. Which one is he?
W
Walt the ladder 2021
Still no ladder.
- TM
  The Manager band 2021
  Ladder is fine. Ladder is serving.
MK
Mrs. Kowalski school cafeteria 1 week ago
Are these the boys who traded pudding cups behind the gym? So proud of you.
DR
Denise R. the curb 1 month ago
For the record: sixteen inches. I have photos. Beautiful hair.
J
Janet HR 2 weeks ago
Reminder: time off for “the tour” still needs to go through the portal.
G
Greg accounts payable 3 weeks ago
Unrelated: he ordered the turkey on rye again.
T
Tony the mechanic 3 weeks ago
The van’s due for an oil change. That’s all.
- TS
  The Singer band 3 weeks ago
  Noted. The van thanks you.
MA
Mrs. Alvarez 3rd grade teacher 1 month ago
Still thinking about those lowercase g’s.
CB
Carol B. church potluck 7 years ago
When is the show? I’ll try to make it!
- TS
  The Singer band yesterday
  Carol! Almost finished. Keep the date open.
W
Walt the ladder yesterday
Saw my ladder in the back of the van. It looked happy. Still want it back.
DF
Doug F. the moped just now
Moped update: still runs. Horn still doesn’t. Still have the helmet.
G
Grandma just now
Wipe your feet.
- TB
  The Bassist band just now
  Love you Grandma!! Every note, for the fan.

How they met (ask around) →What they write about each other →

Home / The Archive

The Archive

Boxes from the van, the corner booth and Grandma’s attic. Nobody in the band knows this exists. Every drawer opens another drawer. Some only open from the inside.

How They MetSix versions. One band. No agreement.The Van’s LogbookKept in the glovebox. Mileage tells a story.The Lost DemoFound in a kick drum. Two sides. One is a lot.The Wall of AlmostFramed above the corner booth.

Stuck DrawerSomething’s wedged in it. Try the van.

Their private notebooks →The band meeting, officially →

The Singer“I put an ad on the corkboard at Dunkin’: FRONT MAN SEEKS BAND…”The Bassist“Grandma introduced us…”The Drummer“I’d already written the songs…”The Mentor“Six years in the corner booth, watching them come in one at a time…”The Manager“Recruitment operation…”Security“Can’t talk about it.…”

Home / The Archive / How They Met

How They Met

Ask one member how the band started and you’ll get a story. Ask another, you’ll get a different story. Ask the first one again: also different.

They wrote it down, too →Grandma →

The Singer’s notebook →The Singer’s page →

Home / The Archive / How They Met / The Singer’s Version

The Singer’s Version

How we met

I put an ad on the corkboard at Dunkin’: FRONT MAN SEEKS BAND. HAS VAN. Four people called. Every one of them asked about the van first. I hired them anyway. That’s the kind of front man I am.

Fact check: The ad still exists. “HAS VAN” is written much bigger than “FRONT MAN.”

← How They MetThe Bassist’s Version The Drummer’s Version The Mentor’s Version The Manager’s Version Security’s Version

Home / The Archive / How They Met / The Bassist’s Version

The Bassist’s Version

How we met

Grandma introduced us. She told everyone I was the lead. They were too polite to argue, so technically I’ve been the lead since day one. Every note since, for the fan. (Grandma.)

Fact check: Nobody remembers Grandma saying “lead.” Grandma remembers saying “bass, I think?”

The Bassist’s notebook →The Bassist’s page →

← How They MetThe Singer’s Version The Drummer’s Version The Mentor’s Version The Manager’s Version Security’s Version

Home / The Archive / How They Met / The Drummer’s Version

The Drummer’s Version

How we met

I’d already written the songs. I just needed people to rush them. I held auditions. Everyone was too fast. I hired all of them. Nobody else would have been that patient.

Fact check: There is no record of auditions. There is a record of a very slow birthday song.

The Drummer’s notebook →The Drummer’s page →

← How They MetThe Singer’s Version The Bassist’s Version The Mentor’s Version The Manager’s Version Security’s Version

Home / The Archive / How They Met / The Mentor’s Version

The Mentor’s Version

How we met

Six years in the corner booth, watching them come in one at a time. I never introduced them. I just made sure that one Tuesday they all sat down at the same table. Then I ordered for everybody. That’s producing.

Fact check: The corner booth seats four. There were five of them and him.

The Mentor’s notebook →The Mentor’s page →

← How They MetThe Singer’s Version The Bassist’s Version The Drummer’s Version The Manager’s Version Security’s Version

Home / The Archive / How They Met / The Manager’s Version

The Manager’s Version

How we met

Recruitment operation. Day one: identify personnel. Day two: assign a vehicle. Day three: issue the mission. The mission was soundcheck. We are still on day three. I learned this in 1993.

Fact check: The vehicle was already assigned. It belonged to the singer.

The Manager’s notebook →The Manager’s page →

← How They MetThe Singer’s Version The Bassist’s Version The Drummer’s Version The Mentor’s Version Security’s Version

Home / The Archive / How They Met / Security’s Version

Security’s Version

How we met

Can’t talk about it.

…

Fine. I was already there. I’m always already there.

Fact check: He was standing by the door. He was asked to leave. He did not.

Ask the one who was actually in charge →

Security’s notebook →Security’s page →

← How They MetThe Singer’s Version The Bassist’s Version The Drummer’s Version The Mentor’s Version The Manager’s Version

Home / The Archive / How They Met / Grandma’s Version

Grandma’s Version

The real story (dear)

It was my birthday. Nobody invited them. They came anyway. The singer parked the van on my petunias to be closer to the cake. The drummer played the birthday song so slowly I believe I aged. My grandson sang it lead. The man from the corner booth said, “That’s a band.” The big one by the door wouldn’t let anyone leave. The one with the medal organized the dishes by size.

I said, “Fine, but you rehearse here.” They still do. Nobody wipes their feet.

Grandma’s page →The petunias, in the logbook →

← How They MetThe Singer’s Version The Bassist’s Version The Drummer’s Version The Mentor’s Version The Manager’s Version Security’s Version

Home / The Archive / The Van’s Logbook

The Van’s Logbook

Kept in the glovebox, in the singer’s handwriting, with interruptions in other people’s.

Van Log · property of the singer

Odometer	Entry
112,004	Bought the van. Seats nine. Band: me. read →
112,019	Dunkin’. Chai. Ad on the corkboard.
113,240	First gig. Grandma’s. Parked on the petunias. read →
118,902	The Manager installed a clipboard on the dash. Label: MISSION. It’s blank.
121,515	Bassist asked to drive. Denied. Asked again, “as lead.” Denied louder.
124,000	The drummer drove. read →
129,317	Málaga. read →
133,333	The Mentor filmed the van for the video. Twelve seconds. Van was the most professional member.
133,334	Somebody keeps adjusting my mirrors. Prima donnas.

The van →The glovebox →

← The Van’s LogbookMile 113,240 Mile 124,000 Mile 129,317

Home / The Archive / The Van’s Logbook / Mile 112,004

Mile 112,004: Bought the Van

Odometer 112,004

Seats nine. Registered to me. Band at the time: me. I sat in every seat to make sure. Back left is the best seat. I’ll be keeping that one.

The van, today →

Home / The Archive / The Van’s Logbook / Mile 113,240

Mile 113,240: First Gig

Odometer 113,240

Grandma’s. Parked on the petunias. Load-in through the kitchen. She made us wipe the drum cases. On the way home something slid under the passenger seat. Will check later.

(Never checked.)

How they met (one version) →

← The Van’s LogbookMile 112,004 Mile 124,000 Mile 129,317

Home / The Archive / The Van’s Logbook / Mile 124,000

Mile 124,000: The Drummer Drives

Odometer 124,000

A four-hour drive. He took eleven. Never above forty. Said the highway “was rushing.” We arrived to an empty lot, which he called “room to breathe.” Odometer read 124,000 exactly. He says that’s not a coincidence. It’s a tempo.

His tempo log →He recorded it, too →

← The Van’s LogbookMile 112,004 Mile 113,240 Mile 129,317

Home / The Archive / The Van’s Logbook / Mile 129,317

Mile 129,317: Málaga

Odometer 129,317

Parked perfectly. Got chai. Came back: ticket.

Underneath, different handwriting: “Handled. —S”
Under that, a third: “Who is S?”
Under that, a fourth: “Can’t talk about it.”

The Málaga ticket, six ways →S knows a guy →

← The Van’s LogbookMile 112,004 Mile 113,240 Mile 124,000

Home / The Archive / The Van’s Logbook / Under the Seat

Under the Seat

Found under the passenger seat

One guitar pick. (The bassist’s. He wants it back.)
A backstage laminate, dated 1993. Not ours.
A Dunkin’ receipt for eleven chais. One customer.
A folded piece of paper with a coffee ring. It’s a setlist.

Asked the Manager about the laminate. He saluted and left the room.

Unfold the setlist →

The Manager, 1993 →Eleven chais →

← Mile 113,240

Home / The Archive / The First Gig

The First Gig

The setlist from under the van seat. Coffee ring. At least three handwritings.

Grandma’s living room · her birthday

Can I Get a Witnesstoo fast
Corner Booth BluesMentor hummed from the kitchen
~~Bass Solo~~ Bass Solo ~~Bass Solo~~negotiated live
Whose Amp Is It?9-min argument, then the song
Happy Birthday (slow)drummer’s arrangement
Never Go Full Minor

Encore: if asked. (Asked. By Grandma. To leave. Kindly.)

Grandma wrote a review →

How they met (allegedly) →Whose amp it is →

← Under the Seat

Home / The Archive / The First Gig / Grandma’s Review

Grandma’s Review

★★☆☆☆

The van was parked on my petunias. The singer’s hair was lovely. The singer was not on time. The drummer played my birthday song so slowly I had another birthday. The man in the corner kept saying “it needs something.” It needed them to wipe their feet.

My grandson was wonderful, and I’m not just saying that because I’m his grandmother. I’m also saying it because he asked me to.

Would go again.

Grandma →The curfew she enforces →

← The First Gig

Home / The Archive / The Lost Demo

The Lost Demo

One cassette, found inside the drummer’s kick drum. The label has three handwritings: “DEMO,” “MY DEMO,” and “MY DEMO (LEAD).”

Side AThe songsSide B…not the songs

Sent to five labels. They all wrote back.

The demo, found at last

Restored from the kick drum

Almost Finished

0:00 / 3:28

Made with Suno · Listen on Suno

What the labels said →Who wrote the songs →The words, finally →

The tempo log →The drive →

Home / The Archive / The Lost Demo / Side A

Side A

Side A · liner notes by the drummer

Can I Get a Witnesswritten 112, recorded 128. They rushed it.
Corner Booth BluesThe Mentor hummed over the intro. We kept it. Mistake.
Whose Amp Is It?Opens with an argument. Not a bit.
No RelationRecorded alone, 4 a.m. Perfect.

All songs: O.V.H. Nobody reads the credits.

P.S. Tired of everybody rushing? Type his favorite word. Anywhere on the site.

← The Lost DemoSide B

Home / The Archive / The Lost Demo / Side B

Side B

Side B · 46:12

B1. The Manager, on 1993 (Part 1: Load-in Times)
B2. The Manager, on 1993 (Part 2: The Keyboardist’s Discipline)
B3. The Manager, on 1993 (Part 3: A Bus, a Map, and a Man Who Knew Where His Keys Were)
B4. The Manager, on 1993 (Part 4: Lessons Learned. Nobody Listens.)

The record light was on the whole time. Nobody pressed stop. Out of respect. Or fear.

The Manager’s briefings →His after-action reports →

← The Lost DemoSide A

Home / The Archive / The Wall of Almost

The Wall of Almost

Framed above the corner booth: every rejection letter. The Mentor says every hit got turned down somewhere first. “These prove we’re on schedule.”

Velvet Static Records“Thank you for the demo…”Ninth Floor Music Group“We love the hair…”Low Tide Sound“Bold idea: gospel, London, and what sounds like someone slowing the whole record down from inside…”The Corner Store (not a label)“We are a convenience store…”A Very Large Label“After careful consideration we are going to pass…”

The corner booth →The video they also won’t fund →

Home / The Archive / The Wall of Almost / Velvet Static Records

Velvet Static Records

Dear Chemical Retardant,

Thank you for the demo. We listened to all of Side A and as much of Side B as was humanly possible. Is the man okay?

Regards,
A&R

The Mentor: “Humanly.” That means they’re human. We can work with human.

← The Wall of AlmostNinth Floor Music Group Low Tide Sound The Corner Store (not a label)A Very Large Label

Home / The Archive / The Wall of Almost / Ninth Floor Music Group

Ninth Floor Music Group

Dear Chemical Retardant,

We love the hair. We are less certain about everything attached to it. Could you send just the hair?

Regards,
A&R

The Mentor: Told you. It’s the hair.

← The Wall of AlmostVelvet Static Records Low Tide Sound The Corner Store (not a label)A Very Large Label

Home / The Archive / The Wall of Almost / Low Tide Sound

Low Tide Sound

Dear Chemical Retardant,

Bold idea: gospel, London, and what sounds like someone slowing the whole record down from inside. Somehow it works. We’ll pass.

Regards,
A&R

The Mentor: “Somehow it works” goes on the poster.

← The Wall of AlmostVelvet Static Records Ninth Floor Music Group The Corner Store (not a label)A Very Large Label

Home / The Archive / The Wall of Almost / The Corner Store (not a label)

The Corner Store (not a label)

Dear Chemical Retardant,

We are a convenience store. We do not sign bands. Please stop leaving the demo next to the register. The chai isn’t ours either.

Regards,
A&R

The Mentor: Distribution is distribution.

← The Wall of AlmostVelvet Static Records Ninth Floor Music Group Low Tide Sound A Very Large Label

Home / The Archive / The Wall of Almost / A Very Large Label

A Very Large Label

Dear Chemical Retardant,

After careful consideration we are going to pass. Off the record: never go full minor.

P.S. Please ask the woman who has called eleven times about her grandson to stop. He is very talented. We get it.

Regards,
A&R

The Mentor: Grandma is doing promo now. Good. She’s cheaper than radio.